Page 156, "We found that one trick of being an open-set missional church is getting over our need to control people and processes, and to instead open the way for people to meet with Jesus in the community... Practically, it means that our function is to introduce others to a right understanding of God.... our job is to free people, not bind them up with religious complexities."
Two questions:
1. Is it healthy to have expectations in a relationship?
2. What is dangerous about placing expectations on other people?
Two questions:
1. Is it healthy to have expectations in a relationship?
2. What is dangerous about placing expectations on other people?
How do you "introduce others to a right understanding of God" without some sort of control over that process? Otherwise, it is possible to be swayed by any idea or person presented in a persuasive manner. If all experiences form us, wouldn't we want to control that as best we can be doing those things we know will increase our "right understanding of God"?
ReplyDeleteTo attempt to answer your questions: Yes, I think it is healthy to have expectations in a relationship. The caveat is that those expectations need to be explicity communicated. Having expectations without communicating them leads to frustration and disappointment.
Placing expectations on other people becomes dangerous when those expectations are beyond the capabilities of the person expected upon. If the expectations are agreed upon, say as a father, I will be kind to and supportive of my children, and I don't fulfill that expectation, I will agree that I have failed at something I should be able to do.
If the expectation placed upon me is something I am unable to fulfill, then the risk is, among other things, a broken relationship. In the context of helping people get into a right understanding of God, the relationship is the key. Relationships start with no expectations, and build from there as trust is gained.
It's an interesting thought that as a relationship grows then it is healthy for expectations to grow. You are making me think, Paul!
ReplyDeleteIf I start a relationship with a marginalized person (Harriett is a great example), it seems it would be healthiest for me to not place expectations on that person. I can love them and give them truth. If they receive it and change, great. If they choose not to receive it, I may be sad, but it's ok. As the book says, we can give truth, it is up to God to change a person. If this is true, it doesn't seem healthy to enslave myself or the other person with expectation.
So, when would this change? Isn't it just as unhealthy for me to expect Emily to act a certain way or be a certain person that it is for me to expect Harriett to act a certain way or be a certain person? Wouldn't it be better to have freedom in relationship?
That brings up an entirely new question.... Does God place expectations on us?
1. Is it healthy to have expectations in a relationship?
ReplyDeleteThe more purposeful I am in my relationships the greater my expectation or anticipation becomes. It’s an expectation that “something” meaningful will happen rather than that someone will behave a certain way. To use a phrase we are all familiar with ~ The more I put into it, the more I will get out of it. I have found this to be true in my marriage, family, friendships, small groups, work and even with regards to chance encounters with others.
I think we are also seeing this to be true with regards to the relationships we are building with Theodore Judah families. The more we participate in the school’s programs and community dinners the deeper we are going with the individual kids and parents. God is working, the Holy Spirit is working, and lives (ours and theirs) are changing. It is o.k. and good to continue to expect more in those precious relationships.
Relating this to the church, when I fully participate (rather than just show up) I expect to meet God in a powerful way. On any given day it may be positive and good, my soul may feel renewed. It also may be troubling or convicting, requiring lots of additional work on my part.
So, to answer your question: Yes, healthy expectations are good in all relationships.
2. What is dangerous about placing expectations on other people?
Placing expectations on other people can be a very good thing as well as a “dangerous” thing. I say that, so that, it is not assumed it is always dangerous to place expectations on others. I think most of us have placed high expectations on someone and found “they lived up to them” or their achievements are greater because of our confidence in them. I’ve also found if I expect more, or better or best that is what I look for and more often than not because I am looking for it, I find it. For example, hand two surveys to two different people on their way into church. On one survey, ask them to identify five things that need improvement, they will. Ask the other to find five things they liked, they will. O.k. by now if you are still reading, I’m sure you got the point and would like me to get to mine….ha ha…
So…if my expectations are too low and I act on those expectations I may not get to expereince the other persons full potential.
If my expectations are impossible for the other person to fulfill…I’m setting them or our relationship up for failure.
If my expectations are not in line with God’s will or His perfect plan I may give up, or feel defeated, and in any case I’ll be less useful for Kingdom work.
If my happiness or desire to continue in a relationship depends on that person meeting my expectations there may be missed opportunity.
I once read a book that presented (it was a very, very small almost footnote, comment) a mathematical formula for happiness. In its simplest form it went something like this:
The more closely our expectations meet reality, the greater our happiness.
I’m not a math person…ugh..would the formula look something like this? (E = R) < H
I do believe there is some truth in the notion; however my problem is with regards to the fact we are basing our happiness on how well others met our expectations. And that my friend is also “dangerous” because true happiness comes from the Lord.
I'm not sure whether expectations are healthy or not. I think we may need to ask ourselves a couple of questions like, is the expectation I have of another person stemming from a selfish desire on my part or is it for the growth and betterment of the other person. Even still I'm uncomfortable thinking about placing expectations on others though I believe it is something I am doing constantly. It seems to me that expectations lead to disappointment, criticism and conflicts. What I am more comfortable with is that it IS healthy to have and enforce healthy boundaries which, to my thinking, are much more important to have in place over expectations.
ReplyDelete